Mid-Summer Thoughts On Presence, Survivor’s Guilt, Gratitude & Good Old Foreboding Joy...

I started writing this post a couple of weeks ago…sitting with the reality of summer half over had me reflecting on the 6 weeks that had just been enjoyed already of this summer and how to best enjoy the 6 weeks left of it! That feeling of juggling both gratitude AND anxiety due to wanting to soak up every last bit of summer we possibly can in these weeks to come! No pressure!

Also with recent events this past summer of multiple weather-related causalities, particularly the heartbreaking loss of children from Camp Mystic in Texas, it’s had me thinking a lot lately about the concept of Time and Presence. Often a common response after major events of loss that remind us how quickly life can change in an instant.

But then life keeps happening.... and we just keep showing up for our lives because that’s what we have to do.

Yet those reminders continue to pop up in our lives and smack us in the face when we hear the name of a location dealing with trauma or a traumatic event that has at one time occurred, knowing in our deep hearts that we are all blessed to still be here and doing our dang best to count our blessings fully, and appreciate all that we have, most importantly our people.

But I know you can relate when I say sometimes that emotion is so raw and deep you find yourself panicking and questioning everything, asking yourself if you’re loving enough, appreciating enough and truly living enough?!?!

I know that’s relatable… The struggle is real!

I’ve been watching interviews with survivors in Texas and at times want to reach through the television screen to hug them because I recognize some of those emotions they're sharing from my own personal journey – the survivor’s guilt – which I’ve talked about before in a previous blog post. I didn’t survive a natural disaster that took the lives of many, but I have overcome a disease that sadly claims the lives of many every single day with my cancer diagnosis as a teen and I can tell you that survivor’s guilt is real and as I’ve shared before, the level of responsibility that comes after surviving something significant is not an easy walk in the park. It’s a never-ending journey and practice, which brought me to want to write more about what I have learned over the years.

Through my 3 decades of living as a survivor, what I’ve especially found helpful for me is carving out the time to partake in some kind of connective spiritual practice or exercise that you do daily, or at least on a regular basis as much as possible, of truly STOPPING, SHUTTING THE BRAIN OFF THE BEST YOU CAN AND BEING STILL!

Whether you call this prayer or meditation or you do this in the form of an exercise, like EFT Tapping or jogging or fishing or singing or anything that allows you to truly surrender into the moment and just BE – just do it!

In my opinion, it is the best thing we can do for ourselves ANDDD I truly believe it is the best thing we can do to also HONOR OTHERS!!!

Because it is in those moments that ego is set aside and we are in a space and moment where we’re the most connected to our Higher True Selves, which I believe is also when we are most connected to our friends in Spirit. That’s what makes it honoring. It is in those moments that we find ourselves NOT taking for granted the opportunity to be in this space of human-being form and life and that’s why it’s honoring, in my opinion.

Recently I’ve been especially reflecting on a significant event that happened in my life this month a year ago. An event that changed a lot of things in my life and was something I had prayed hard for .. for over 2 years and then the day came that I had prayed for and then there was the waiting and more waiting, and finally after 4 months of more waiting, I received my news that my prayer WAS answered - AMEN THANK YOU GOD SOURCE DIVINE! And in that moment I took what was one of the biggest exhales of my life. As a result of that answered prayer, my life changed for the better in many ways.

So I’ve also been reflecting lately on that energy/emotion of both Gratitude and Joy, doing my best to truly sit in it and just BE WITH IT… yet as our ego-human -self always does, I also would hear that monkey-brain thinking in the back of my mind that we all can relate to …

“don’t be too joyful Jen! Life is life! With Gratitude and Joy also comes heartache and loss, like what we are seeing a lot of lately, so don’t be too happy and joyful cause this doesn’t last and I’m going to try to mentally prepare myself for that”

And there it is! As Brene Brown introduced to us years ago – Foreboding Joy! AHHHHH So frustrating, yet so easy to do!

There we are again being humans just waiting for that other shoe to drop, right?!?!? When we really stop to tune into our emotions, it’s crazy to realize how much energy we put into that worrying and waiting for whatever next hurdle life throws in our way or when the next natural disaster is going to impact us and cause us the personal heartache… It doesn’t end. Is there an easy fix or remedy for this? In my humble opinion, unfortunately, no. We can only wish it were that easy. And I wish I could easily tell you what to do to make this part of the human journey easier, but I’m just a human being like you, also living the human experience the best way I can. When it comes to emotions like this, I always say it’s like exercising, in my opinion, and goes into the category of being a “practice” …. never mastered, always evolving.

I have also entered into the chapter of parenting a pre-teen! Ahhhh! Definitely can see and feel the difference in this summer of him having more friend time and independence and hanging out in his space in the house downstairs with his guitar and gaming system. It has been an awesome summer and I am happy for him and grateful for his friends! Plus, they often hang out here, which I am also very grateful for! But with that, I also catch myself, like all parents do at times, just wishing we could freeze this time, because I know well enough I only have a couple summers left before he has a job and a car and it changes even more and then before we know it, he’s graduated (sigh).

It’s the never-ending yo-yo between wanting to be present in Gratitude while also bordering on the line of anxiety and fear because you know how fast it goes and when it’s over, it’s over. The battle between those 2 emotions is real! And in times of trauma and crisis, especially ones we see around us as a shared experience between many, like a natural disaster, we are reminded it can happen to any of us and at any time.

I will say I’m getting better with age at accepting that both Gratitude AND anxiety can be felt at the SAME TIME, but that doesn’t make it any easier and like I said, I believe it’s like exercising and is a practice and an intention. Feelings are an intense ride … we don’t always have a choice in the gut reactions, but we do have power and control in how we respond to them.

With that said, I’m going to pass on a couple things I have found helpful for quieting the anxious part and embracing more the Gratitude part and Stillness part -

• Yes, Gratitude Journals do work! Journaling is a powerful tool, regardless! I journal and include the Gratitude at the end.

• Favorite Oils to Support These Emotions: Gratitude oil, applied on your heart and Present Time oil applied on your Third Eye which is in the middle of your forehead, in between your eyes, but avoid the eye area.

• Tapping! After you apply those oils! If you don’t have oils, no worries – do this anyways! Here is a Tapping Link I especially have found helpful for being a Present and Conscious Parent - Click Here

And last but not least, try to give yourself Grace. It’s a powerful emotion and one I’ve been blessed to be reminded of from my parents throughout my 3 decade survivor journey, and something I hope to continue to pass on in my own parenting Journey and also in my own life towards myself....

You’re human and whatever you are feeling, FEEL. Remember that.

As my foot tattoo reminds me every day........ Feel. It. All.

Continue to Love well, Live well & keep surrendering to the zest of life ... ;)

~ Jen

My tattoo on the top of my foot to remind me every single day! :)